My New Year Message by Mahmoud Ahmadinejad

From The Times
December 27, 2008


(Atta Kenare/AFP/Getty)
According to Hugo Rifkind
Greetings!

In the name of the Humblest, the Most Merciful, the Boss, the Top, the Tip, the Indisputable Leader of the Gang, Top Cat, I am His Most Excellentness Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, the democratically elected dictator of Iran!

And, in order to give your Acclaimed Christmas Channel 4 Massage, have I been learning the full grasp of the humorous English idiom? Fan-dabby-dosey! Welcome to the jungle, we’ve got fun’n’games! Oh yes! For I am only the second Middle Eastern Gentleman to be entrusted with this task, I learn, following in footsteps of one by the name of Ali Gee. But.

With the Acclaimed Christmas Channel 4 Massage, it turns out my bosses are most displeased. “Mahmoud, baby,” said the one with the goatee, “this is not what we wanted, at all. Too moderate. Too restrained. Where was the fire? Where was the thunder? Where was the hate?” “Reuben is right,” agreed the other, a She-man. “There was barely anything offensive in there at all. The Daily Mail probably wasn’t even watching. We’ll never be controversially appointed anywhere, at this rate. You’ll have to do another one for new year. Otherwise the deal is off.” “You mean . . .?” said I. “Yes,” declared goatee producer. “You will never be invited on to Countdown.” Woe! Woe and fie! And so, in spirit of getting a consonant a consonant a vowel a consonant a consonant, even without Carol Vorderman, I have agreed to make second Massage, putting in all the bits that goatee boss and the Hairy Lady were so annoyed that the last one left out. more